Hi friends. This week was a weird one for me. The reason being because I can’t give you a definite answer on my feelings towards children and becoming a parent. If you know for sure that you want kids, good for you! It is actually quite stressful not knowing if I will ever want children. Typically, I catch myself being anxious around children and saying how much I do not like them. If I hear a kid screaming in Target, I literally want to die. It isn’t the fact that I despise kids, but like I said, they make me anxious. Right now, I can’t imagine myself as a mother. I can barely take care of myself. How am I gonna take care of a whole other human (or HUMANS)?

When my mom was my age, she had already had me and she was done having children by the age of 25. If I had a kid right now, well, I couldn’t tell you what it would be like because I CAN’T IMAGINE IT. One of my friends wants to start having kids around age 23-25. That stresses me out. Not the fact she wants to have kids at that age, but the thought of having kids in less than 3 years. I can’t say that I’m on the same page as her with that.

Another thing that scares me about having kids is childbirth. I just don’t know if I could tolerate the pain that comes with being pregnant as well as labor. I already have the back of on 80 year-old woman. A baby is gonna make that worse. And then just labor in general actually terrifies me as well as the possibility of dying during labor. I’m sorry, now I’ve fallen down a whole and I’m having a existential crisis. I’m very stressed about this.

Now, I have had no problem in the past when watching young kids. I adored one of my high school teacher’s children. They were absolutely precious and I miss them very much. When I worked at Big Lots, I would talk to kids and see babies and they would sometimes put a smile on my face, that is if they didn’t pee in front of my register (I did not get paid enough to clean that up tbh). I also love the idea of me and my best friend having kids at the same time and they grow up to be best friends. When I start thinking happy thoughts about kids, I tend to jump back to negative. One of the main things I think is how I would probably be a terrible mom or how I would feel guilty bringing children into a world with so much hate and negativity (and also the fact that the actual EARTH is dying and they wouldn’t have the chance to grow up). I know this was a lot, but when I think about it, I think about it a lot and very in depth. Children? Right now, who knows. I’m just vibin’.